Why success doesn't equal fulfillment and the two-step process to raise your life satisfaction from wherever you are now to where you want to be.
How to Achieve the Life You Want
AI is scary and our world is in a scary situation in many different areas, many different places. It's not so nice to be around for some people. But today I don't want to talk about the world. Today I want to talk about you because I think it's more important.
The Problem with Looking Outside
When we outsource our problems, it creates a problem with what matters most: our life. When we look outside and say, "Oh, this is wrong, that is wrong, he is wrong, he's the worst leader," this is all we see. And then when we come back home and look at our children, our spouse, our partners at work, we see problems. We experience our life like it's a problem.
Today, I want to take all of this aside. I know there are problems—I'm not here to say there aren't. But we're going to talk about you because that's a conversation most of us don't have: you and your life.
The Starting Question
I'm going to ask an open-ended question. Just be honest with yourself: On a scale of 0 to 10, how satisfied are you with your life? Satisfied is purely subjective—we're objectively discerning something completely subjective. How satisfied are you? 0 to 10.
I've asked this to many different people. Some are super successful on paper, but their answer is three. Their LinkedIn page looks amazing, their background is amazing, their bank account is amazing—but their answer is three. You can be ultra-successful and still not be fulfilled. That's our starting point.
By the end of this video, I hope you'll have a clear plan on how to make this number greater, whether your answer is three, five, eight—or even nine or ten. For those at nine or ten, I'm going to ask you what a twelve would look like.
Breaking Down Life Categories
Life divides into many different parts. Let's examine them:
Physical Environment: How satisfied are you (0-10) with where you live, your house, your neighborhood?
Health: How satisfied are you with your health? You don't have to have a disease for it to be zero. Even if you're super healthy, you might still feel unsatisfied.
Money: You could be a millionaire and still feel like it's a three. But what's your answer? How satisfied are you with your money right now? You could have not so much but be at 10. It's purely subjective.
What will make the number higher? Most people think: "Of course, if I make more money, I'll be more satisfied." But there are millionaires who feel three. So it's not about how much you have in your bank account. It's something internal.
Romance: You can be single and your answer could be eight or ten. Or you could have a spouse and feel like three. What makes the number higher?
Relationships (friends and family): How satisfied are you?
Fun and Recreation: How satisfied are you with the level of fun you have in your life right now? When I asked this myself, the answer in fun was the most painful one for me.
Personal Growth: How satisfied are you?
Career: Career is not like money. Money is how much you have; career is how you make it. Some people are very satisfied with their careers because they're in their zone.
[In this link where you can do this exercise yourself, export it, and see your snapshot for this moment.]
The Person of More vs. The Person of Precisely
Five or six years ago, I read a mystery book—a rare thing for me as I usually read non-fiction about improving business, health, etc. But one character asked the main one: "When did you become a person of more? You always were a person of precisely."
This sentence gave me more than some non-fiction books. In this "more culture" we're living in—more money, more women, more children, more conversations, more training—there is no satisfaction because you don't need more. More creates no fulfillment by itself.
But in precision—having the exact house you want, the exact spouse you want, showing up exactly how you want to your mother—then you get fulfillment when you know exactly and you do exactly.
The Two-Step Process
The process has two steps:
- Know what you want
- Do what you now know
Which is more difficult? Some will say the first one—knowing what you want. I understand why. Sitting on the sofa thinking, "What do I want out of my romance?" That's a big question.
But I know that the second one is more challenging. Doing what you now know is more challenging. Why? Because then you need courage, endurance, enthusiasm, integrity—not lying to yourself over sustainable periods of time. Long periods of time. This is going to be your life pursuing this. A lot of people drop the ball there.
What Happened to Knowing What You Want?
When we were young, we knew what we wanted. "I wanted to be a ballet dancer." What happened? "I went to classes, I was the best in class, I was in a show, then some people talked dirty about me, they didn't like who I was. So I shrank, I closed myself, I stopped going after what I want. Now I don't even know what I want because ballet dancer is no longer available. It's been 30 years later."
This is what happened to all of us, and it's okay. You open up to the world and people say things. You open your heart, bring the most of yourself, and some people won't participate, won't cooperate, won't want to be involved. That's just the way it is.
You open your heart at the audition, the interview. You really want to work there. And they don't get you in. So what do you do? You stop going to interviews. "I'll stop trying." Why? Because you don't want to get hurt again.
That mechanism prevents us from getting anything. Fear of getting hurt, fear of shame, fear of judgment, fear of what other people will think—it feels like physical pain. That shame was physically life-threatening. So you don't want to do it anymore.
People take numbness with alcohol, marijuana, Netflix, sugar, logic puzzles. All of this is okay, but we need to say the truth: this is what's happening.
Why Your Number Is Low
Why is your number low? Because you're defaulting to a behavior that you perceive to be safe. You believe "this is how I'm not going to die." It sounds funny, but it's what we feel.
Your relationship with your mother is going to shambles even though you see her twice a week because being tense with her feels more safe—because once you were different with her and got hurt.
Your number is low because you don't act like you want. To get fulfillment, you need both: the thing you want AND action.
How to Get the Number Higher
It's not about the outside—it's about the inside, doing what you want.
If you feel low in fun and recreation, that means you simply don't do the things you want to do. Part of you wants to go to a lake and jump in on Saturday, but you don't. Why? "The sun is too dangerous. I might die." This is why your number is low.
Knowing What You Want
"I don't know what I want, Dan."
Okay, what do you know? Let's start there. Why did you rate three out of ten? Why wasn't it a two?
"It wasn't a two because I still have this and this and that."
Good. Now we're unfolding. You said you don't know, but you do know. We just need access to what you know.
What makes it a three instead of two? What would a five look like?
"Well, in romance, a five would look like I'm dating, going on dates."
Oh really? So you do know what you want. You will start dating instead of sitting at home watching porn all the time. If you start dating, your fulfillment level will rise from 3 to 5.
What would an eight look like?
"At eight, I'll have a spouse. We'll already be engaged, planning our wedding. I'm hugging her, taking her to Greece, having fun."
Good. Now we need cooperation—someone to want you back. But that's your eight.
Grabbing the Future and Bringing It to Now
Here's what we do: I reach my arm and grab the emotion over there and bring it to the now. I grab the emotion in the hug in Greece with my fiancée, and I bring it in. I can feel the hug as if it's happening right now. This is how I'm going outside to the world.
That want, that desire, that thing you want—there's an emotion behind it. You don't have to have the thing in order to feel it. It's almost a promise for your future because inside of you, you know this is your future. We're bringing the emotion. The emotion will bring the behavior of that man. We're bringing it to the now.
When you go on a date, you'll have this in you. That doesn't mean the other person will want to hug you or marry you or go to Greece with you. But at least you have the hug in you when you speak to them.
What do you think will happen? When you're open, we can see it through your eyes. We can feel the easeness, the joyfulness, the playfulness. What do you think your chances are for cooperation? Higher or lower?
What Really Differentiates People
What differentiates one person from another? Is it skin color? What about Barack Obama? Is it where they were born? What about self-made millionaires born in poverty?
It's their choices. They choose to pursue this. They choose to go after this. They choose to wake up every single day and have this emotion, this dream in them over a sustainable period of time.
They saw the movie before they produced it. They saw the company before they had one employee. They saw the impact. They felt the applause before it happened.
You can call it crazy and I won't disagree. But my job, my field of work, is the field of actualizations—making your dreams come true, making your dream life true. And that's the mechanism. That's how we do it.
We reach our hands into the future—the real future we want to have. We bring it to the now. We cannot bring the cooperation, but we can bring the emotions, the behaviors, the state of being.
What You Really Want
I would argue that the thing you really want is not the spouse in Greece. Of course you do want it—I'm not saying you don't. But the thing you really want is who you become.
Who are you there in Greece? You're a provider. You're a confident man. You feel loved, connected. This is what you want. You want the emotions, the state of mind, the man you are there. This is what you want to have.
"I am the kind of man that this kind of woman wants."
It's about you. It's not about if she wants to date you. It's about what kind of man is able to get this level of cooperation in this life.
Applying This to Money
We can do this with money. "I want to have $2 million by the end of the year."
Good. What makes it important? What's important about that?
There's no richness in $2 million itself. There's no emotion, no state of mind, no state of being. There's nothing to bring into the present. What's important about $2 million?
"It will help me sustain my life, sustain my family. I'll be able to buy a house for my parents, that engagement ring I really want for that girl in Greece."
Good. Now we're talking. Now we're bringing state of being.
Tell me about that man. What qualities does that man with the $2 million, the house for his family—what qualities does he have?
If it's tough to answer, let's dress you up. What kind of clothes does this man wear? How does he look? What do you feel when you wear those clothes?
Everything opens up, right? As we wear it, we embody it. Now walk into the world. What do you think you'll find? More cooperation or less cooperation?
This is who you are. This is who you always were. We're just too afraid to show it outside. These qualities, these feelings—this is who you really are. Who you are at your best. Bring it to the now. Embody it. Wear it. And now go out to the world.
The Real Challenge
That's why I think knowing what you want is not the toughest part. The toughest part is noticing the patterns that prevent us from connecting to the best part of ourselves. Noticing what's blocking us from connecting, from becoming, from being that man.
All of these are physical patterns.
Notice what we don't do. We don't ask, "Oh, what's preventing you? Why don't you have $2 million yet?" Because then we're back to focusing on problems, and when we focus on problems, that's all we see.
"I don't have it because of my company, the market situation..." Many reasons. Now you're back to Netflix. You're gone. You're going to embody all those problems and go back to numbness the way you like it.
Every single addiction is about preventing yourself from feeling emotions. You're avoiding what's real, what's happening. You're avoiding the present moment and covering yourself with something that makes you feel something else. You're trying to purchase and apply your emotions with other things.
No more Greece. No more $2 million. No more house for your family. Nothing.
The Real Work
The real work is noticing these triggers and physical habits that prevent you from doing what you want, from achieving what you want, from being who you want to be—who you always were, who you are at your best.
That's tough work. What makes it tough?
Blind spots. We cannot see our own blind spots. We have to have someone else see them because they're blind. We are blind.
"I said I want that spouse, but you know what? I don't want to sign up for OkCupid right now. I don't have to sign up—I want to meet her in person."
Good. So are you going to go out?
"Not today."
What's happening? We have all these excuses, all these reasons, and sometimes they're very funky.
You wanted to get shredded, become more healthy, develop your muscle. You committed to doing 10 push-ups a day. But today you had big grocery shopping, lifting all those things. So maybe today you're not going to do the push-ups because you already did exercise...
Those voices in our head prevent us from showing up every single day.
It's funny when we look at this for another person. "What's the problem? Come on, do your push-ups. Super easy. 10 push-ups."
But it's not so easy when it's you. Because that's your experience. "I really can't make it. We need this money for other things. I cannot invest it. It's too much for me."
I hear this all the time. And that's the work. That's my work.
The Three Stages
How do we deal with this? We have three stages:
1. Noticing
"I notice resistance. I notice tension in my throat. I notice I don't have energy. I notice my legs feel heavy. I feel like this..."
Notice. What's going on in your body right now when you don't want to do the push-ups? It's okay that you don't want to do them. But what's going on in your body right now?
"I feel tired, exhausted. I'm done for the day. I had too many things going on. I think the push-up was a bad idea."
Good. Where do you feel that?
"I feel it in my hands. My hands are tired."
2. Bringing Awareness
We're tapping into the physical patterns. We're bringing awareness: "Hey, what's happening? Where do you feel that? How does that feel? What's going on in your system right now?"
This awareness brings clarity and you get to choose afterwards.
What's the voice? What's the voice coming up?
"I'm not strong enough to make it today."
That's the voice. This is what it feels like. The hands feeling tired. "I'm not strong enough." That's it.
Good. What are you choosing now?
"I'm going to do the push-ups."
3. Conscious Choice
Good. Anything else you need?
"No, I'm going to do it."
That's the process. Very simple. Noticing, bringing awareness, understanding what's going on.
Now with 10 push-ups, it's hard to imagine a scenario where the answer is not doing it. But with more sophisticated things, maybe something did happen and the real answer is not doing that but going somewhere else. Maybe we need to bring awareness and then make a conscious choice.
The Key to Achievement
What prevents us from achieving what we want is we don't make conscious choices. We make them subconsciously, automatically. Our body just carries the emotions for us.
That makes sense—otherwise it would be too overwhelming to live. If we needed our conscious, aware brain for everything like breathing, it would be overwhelming. We'd get decision fatigue.
But for the things that matter, the things you really want, we need to create a habit of being you, the real you.
We bring the emotion of the future. We embody it. Then when resistance shows up, we bring awareness. We don't just let resistance lead us to eat that cookie or order that pizza.
The Pizza Example
You order a pizza. It's already here. You know you shouldn't eat it, but you eat it. Then the last slice—you look at it. "I don't need that slice. I already had seven slices." You decide to put the last slice away and leave.
Then you look back at that slice. "You know what? I've been working on myself so hard. I can take that slice." And you eat it.
This is subconscious action. I'm not against pizza—but you want a different life.
If it happened already, what happened? What made you listen? This is so important. This is the gold. This is the juiciest. This is the richest. This is the best place to be.
Even when you drop the ball, even if things happen that you didn't want to happen—good. What made you order the pizza? What was going on there?
"I was hungry. I was super hungry. My battery was zero."
Where did you feel that?
"In my stomach."
Where in your stomach?
"Here."
What was it like?
"Like a vacuum."
Why Awareness Is Everything
Why is it so important to bring awareness? Because now we know more. Now he can really understand the sensations that brought him to do something he didn't want to do.
"I felt that vacuum."
Next time he feels this exact emotion, it won't be just "I'm hungry." It will be, "A vacuum. I have this vacuum now. Well, I just need to do something else. I'm going to take a shower."
He made a different choice.
Your body says, "We're hungry. We really need a pizza." You bring awareness and understand, "Oh, this is not right. No, we don't. I don't. I just need a shower." And he takes a shower.
Different choice.
The more awareness you bring to those moments, the more prosperity you're going to see in your life.
Devotion vs. Discipline
Notice that this is not about discipline.
I once had a young talented guy. His dream was to be a restaurant owner. He told me what prevents him from being that restaurant owner is discipline.
I don't like the word discipline. Discipline is about forcing yourself. Forcing yourself.
You are free to choose. You don't have to force yourself to have your future. You're free to choose.
You don't need to have discipline. You need to have devotion.
Notice the difference. I'm devoted to being that vital, healthy, beautiful soul, magnetic energy guy. I love this vision. This is who I am. This is what I want.
So now I'm choosing not to eat pizzas—not because I'm disciplined and I can't (of course you can, you can do whatever you want). I'm devoted to my dream. Therefore, I'm going after it. Therefore, I don't eat pizzas.
Switch discipline to devotion and you will see even better results.
Now you get to go to the gym. "I like this. I want to have that life. Therefore I choose to go to the gym."
But then your body says, "No, don't do it. It's dangerous. You'll feel pain, it hurts."
"Okay, but I want to have this vision. I choose to go to the gym. I'm connecting with myself. I'm experiencing. I'm exploring. I'm bringing awareness—and that's my life I'm after."
My friend, we've reached the end. Did you enjoy it? Let me know. If you feel the love, share the love. Like, comment, subscribe to the channel. Do whatever you need in order to grow your life.